Tears Will Fall
by XxSammehChanxX
Summary: Dealing with the pain...what happened when I lost the most important person in my life...


Authors note: My first fanfic nn; It's just a simple one-shot, but I hope it's all right. I didn't revise it, so sorry for any mistakes. 

_Italics _– Lyrics

Song used: Do What You Have To Do by Sarah Mclachlan

Disclaimer: I do not own the song. I simply enjoy it and am only using it for pure entertainment and am in no way making any profit by using it. Thank you.

Enjoy

Tears Will Fall

By Sammeh-chan

Tears will fall. They roll down my reddened cheeks as I gulp back a shuddered cry of pain. The glow of the monitor hurts my eyes in the dark room. Tears fall on my desk, and I quickly wipe them away, feeling ashamed. I shut my eyes tightly; hurt and anger welling up within me, but then the feeling of selfishness, and I open my eyes slightly…

_What ravages of spirit… Conjured this temptuous rage…_

Who am I to hold her? I was ashamed of myself… If she wanted to leave, to move on with her life…who was I to want to stop her? My love for her, my want for her happiness; it overruled my own completely. This is what she wanted…it was my own fault anyway…

_Created you a monster…_

_Broken by the rules of love…_

I wiped the tears from my eyes, even though I was still shaking… I needed to make her happy…

I typed the few simple words…

"I love you"

"Bye bye"

_And fate has led you through it…_

_You do what you have to do…_

I signed out. I bit my lip, a sudden burst of pain shooting through my chest as I forced myself away from my desk. I slumped slowly over to my bed, lying down on it, facing my ceiling, although I couldn't see it very well in the dark.

The phone rang… I knew it wasn't her though. It was him. He knew I had signed off suddenly, and probably was wondering what was wrong…

I ignored it. It continued to ring, forever it seemed, and I knew that if it ever did stop ringing, I would feel regret along with this pain…

I answered, not saying anything, even without caller ID, knowing full well who it was…

I cried. I knew I could cry. I knew he would comfort me. I cried like I never did before, whispering her name, asking myself why… He never asked once what I meant. He already knew. He just hushed me quietly, as I spilled my heart out to the one person in the world who would listen… But even so, I could never go on…not without her…

_And fate has led you through it…_

_You do what you have to do…_

I cried, quieter now, my hysterics dying down after what truly felt like an eternity. My head pounded, and my body felt numb. My eyes hurt, red from crying. I thought of you, and I couldn't fathom how I was going to be able to go through with this…

_And I have the sense to recognize that…_

_I don't know how to let you go…_

I raised my left arm up over my eyes, pulling it away as I felt the stickiness…when I had done that…I wasn't even sure anymore… I couldn't see very well, through the dark, and my blurry eyes…but it looked pretty bad. I shut my eyes softly, whining pathetically. I didn't hurt, but my heart did… It would always hurt.

I sighed softly, reassuring the person on the other line for the umpteenth time that I was fine…

I wasn't fine of course. I never was. He knew that too.

Memories of her flooded back…all of them happy. Silly, goofy, happy times…that I cherished with all my heart… I would always hold them close to me, as I felt fresh tears welling up within my eyes. I choked on yet another sob, holding the phone closer to me, feeling like I had nothing left…just that phone… I cried, my head starting to hurt again, but I continued crying, knowing within my heart that I would never have another moment like those with her, the one I loved so much, ever again…

_Every moment marked…_

_With apparitions of your soul…_

My one friend, the one who comforted me, had demanded me to stay away from my computer for the entire weekend. I only nodded, silently agreeing, not truly understanding why, but knowing that after he had listened to me, that I owed him at least this…

The urge to go back to her, to just…sign back on, to see her again…to see if she was all right… it was unbearable.

_I'm ever swiftly moving…_

_Trying to escape this desire…_

After two days, I couldn't help myself any longer. Secretly, in the middle of the night, I signed back on. My heart was beating fast. I looked at her status… "sleeping"

I sighed quietly. My heart sunk slightly, but I was at least relieved that she was all right… I didn't really want to talk to her anyway. I had promised myself to never talk to her again. It would hurt, but…it would make her happy…I would do anything, for her happiness…

_The yearning to be near you…_

_I do what I have to do…_

I shut down my computer completely. It would remain like this, at least until the end of the weekend. Maybe even longer…

Because I loved her…

_The yearning to be near you…_

_I do what I have to do…_

The tears never did stop. I cried, even when I wasn't directly thinking about her… they flowed down my face softly, and my heart ached. I didn't know what to do… I could no longer live like this…

I meditated, something I hadn't done for about a year now… I knew what I was going to do. Clear the slate, so to speak. I would erase everything. My family, my friends, and…her…

I would never get rid of them completely. I couldn't avoid that… but I would try. I would detach things like family and friends, then, I wouldn't be so vulnerable anymore… I would become like I used to be…cold, silent, and avoiding. It was simple logic. If I didn't hold anything dear to me, and I was to lose something, it wouldn't hurt. It was all I could think of doing… But, honestly, I didn't know what to do anymore…

_But I have the sense to recognize…_

_That I don't know how…_

_To let you go…_

I curled up on my bed, crying silently, my throat nearly closed shut from all the crying I had been doing the past few days. The tears came anyway. They just didn't seem to stop…

I clutched my pillow tightly, as if it were all I had keeping me connected to this world…

I silently spoke her name, even though it strained my voice horribly, I continued to say it, over and over again…crying quietly…

I began choking and coughing, and eventually, became so tired that I fell into the darkness...

If only I could stay there forever…

_I don't know how…_

_To let you go…_

I shook, crying silently once more, as I had well grown accustomed to it. The blood seeping from my arms began to stain my sheets as I had my back up against my wall, sitting on the far corner of my bed. My friend had tried everything he could to get her back for me…what a great person…I knew it hurt him to do it…but, lucky for him, she didn't listen to him. She said, she'd be happier, if she could just move on with her life…

I was happy…that she was finally free of me…she could just…be happy, and live her life…maybe find a guy…Steve or Richard…someone who could be there for her physically…

_A glowing ember…_

_Burning hot…_

_Burning slow…_

I continued to shake, the words of my friends coming back to me…

"You don't deserve this much pain…"

"It's her own loss…"

"You should move on with your life…"

"Forget about her…"

"Is she truly worth all of this pain?…"

I was confused…I knew that she'd be unhappy with me if she had known what I had just done to myself…but I didn't ever want her to know…she didn't need to be troubled by me anymore… She was going to go on with her life, and be happy, without me…

_Deep within I'm shaken by the violence…_

_Of existing for only you…_

I fell forwards; my arms numb and limp at my sides as I pressed my face into the mattress almost suffocatingly. I would never be with her… I would never make her happy… I would never be happy again…

_I know I can't be with you…_

_I do what I have to do…_

I cried pitifully into the mattress, air coming in short gasps as I refused to roll onto my side to give myself more air. I was stubborn, but no where near as stubborn as her… it was always an admirable quality of hers…

_I know I can't be with you…_

_I do what I have to do…_

I pressed harder into the mattress, feeling my air supply cut off little by little…

_And I have the sense to recognize but…_

_I don't know how to let you go…_

Tears will fall. And they did. The sweet memories of her came back to me… It was all I had left…

_I don't know how to let you go…_

I felt darkness overcome me… I shut my eyes, silent tears falling. I would always hold her close to my heart. I would always know, that my suffering was worth it… at least she was happy…

_I don't know how to let you go…_

I would always love her…no matter what happened… I whispered her name one last time… her beautiful name… oh how I loved saying it… how I loved holding her… talking to her… being with her. I would sleep. Sleep and dream forever of her. Tears fell, slowly and steadily… I whispered out to the dark room…

"I love you, my Chrisseh-chan…"

As I fell into a dark and quiet unconsciousness…

Tears will fall…

Owari

Author's Comments: My first fanfic! Comments and Criticism always welcome. Thank you for reading!

XxSammehChanxX

April, 24th 2006


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